Gross Girls
I'm sitting with my best friend and her boyfriend and we're all having a great time hanging out, laughing, and just enjoying one another's company. I have known my friend for 14 years and have known her boyfriend for about 5. I love them dearly and consider them my family.
So why is it that I feel uncomfortable being a human around them? And by this, I mean doing what every human does, fart. They fart in front of me, and we laugh about the sound or length of them. But I can never bring myself to return the flatulence. I know they won't judge me, but why am I holding back?
Now I know what you're thinking, "um maybe because you're not gross?" And maybe that is exactly what I'm afraid to be perceived as. Gross. But my friend and her boyfriend have no shame in it, why should I? They feel comfortable enough around me to let themselves go, literally.
As I sit there, the only one who is fat, who is a person of color, who grew up poor, I cannot help but think is that why I can't engage in this silly, smelly act of intimacy?
As someone who has only recently become fat, I am difficultly navigating the social do's and don'ts of being a fat person, of being a fat woman, a fat woman of color. One thing I cannot help but be reminded of, constantly, is that we are not allowed to be gross. Thin women are allowed to be gross, to burp and fart and not shower. Thin women are allowed to dress like “slobs”, a term that has a connotation of fatness and laziness. It's funny and maybe even cute and quirky when they sniff their armpits and exclaim that they forgot to put on deodorant. It's quirky when they proudly admit they haven't washed their hair in 6 days. They are allowed to be "one of the guys", to ditch personal hygiene and to proudly admit it, to shotgun beers and burp into your face afterwards, to scratch their ass unashamedly and still have men want to fuck them.
If a fat woman does those same things? She is disgusting, she is a pig, and she is unattractive. Skinny women can be gross and still be seen as romantic and sexual beings. It’s almost welcomed when thin women show this “unattractiveness”, almost as if to prove they are real human beings with a “flaw”. That finally! They aren’t perfect! It’s also an oddly humbling experience to place on women.
Fat women must be perfectly groomed and freshly scented at all times. Because I am fat, I cannot afford to be seen in any capacity as gross and still expect someone to be attracted to me. I cannot wear loose and baggy clothing, I cannot wear tight-fitting clothing, I cannot be sweaty, I cannot be out of breath. I recognize the looks you exchange with one another when I take the elevator instead of the stairs.
My internalized fatphobia has made me so afraid to fart in front of my best friend of 14 years even accidentally. I cannot risk being seen as gross because I'm already fat. I'm already brown. I'm already poor. I cannot afford to also be perceived as gross.
And maybe it is not just fatphobia hard at work here but racism as well. To feel that, as a fat Hispanic woman, I must be "clean" because cleanliness is a sign of civilization, and don't you know that brown people are uncivilized?
My fear of farting in front of my friends is not just tied to fatphobia and race, but class as well. It's no secret that I come from a poor, working class family. I have no shame in talking about my family experiences and my friends have seen firsthand my life and situations. Poor people have faced the stigma as being unkept, unhygienic, and dirty. Whether that's poor living conditions, poor eating habits caused by systemic restraints and food insecurity, or simply not being able to afford both food and other basic necessities like laundry soap, body wash, or shampoo.
I can't afford to be “gross” because I'm already seen as so many undesirable things in the face of white supremacy.
